Fetishes – Dominance/submission
One of the things I’m planning for this blog is to pick a fetish every now and again and share my thoughts on it. It wasn’t exactly hard thinking of the first one –Dominance and submission, my kink of choice. Well, one of them…
These are purely my own thoughts. You might not agree with them, and that’s fine. As they say, your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. You might have a different opinion about D/s and BDSM altogether, and that’s also fine as long as it’s safe, sane (well, mostly) and consensual (always).
The most interesting thing I’ve noticed about couples that are in a D/s relationship is that it’s often the Dom who is the more laid back while the subs are nearly always the feisty ones. Seriously, don’t mess with a submissive – you might just live to regret it. But a lot of people seem to have completely misunderstood the nature of D/s. Many believe the stereotype that Doms are bullies and submissives are victims or doormats. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, you do get predators posing as Doms and, unfortunately, some vulnerable people could be misled into dangerous situations. But true Doms are as caring and gentle as they are powerful and commanding. I’ve heard many people condemn BDSM without really understanding what it’s actually about.
I remember watching a television programme a few years ago about BDSM. A group of feminists were ranting about how damaging submission is to women and how far back it has put the feminist movement. But they had completely misunderstood the point. It’s not about gender. They didn’t seem to get that it’s not just women who submit. I actually know more men that are subs than women. That’s why there are so many pro Dommes around – because there are a lot of men who want to submit to them. Then you have women who want to submit to women. And men who want to submit to men. You get the point. The other thing these people seem to have forgotten is that it’s a choice and we all have a right to choose what we want to do (once again, and I’ll keep banging on about this, as long as it’s consensual.)
To keep things simple here, I’m going to refer to a submissive as female and Doms as male. It just saves all the ‘his/her’ and ‘Dom/Domme’ fuss. There are, of course, also switches, those who like to switch between being top or bottom. The advantage of being a switch (apart from having your cake and eating it) is that you know how it feels to be on the receiving end, and that can be useful.
So, on the more extreme end of the D/s scale, you have the Gorean slave subculture. This is where many of the recognisable slave positions come from and is a lifestyle based on strict rules and where the prime role of the slave is to serve her Master or Mistress. Although it’s not my cup of tea, I can see the beauty of such devoted submission and graceful movements.
Then there is your more regular 24/7, Master/slave relationship. This is usually based on pre-agreed terms and both/all parties may even sign contracts. Although this idea may sound quite appealing, it’s probably not that practical when you consider day-to-day life such as jobs, kids etc.
Then there is your classic D/s which, to be honest, can be anything you want it to be. As long as everyone involved have discussed their limits, agreed on a safeword and trust each other, go for it. Some people follow certain D/s protocols as a lifestyle, some only play as part of sex whilst others dip in and out whenever the fancy takes them. It’s all okay.
To me, a D/s relationship can be a beautiful thing. It’s about mutual respect and trust. The Dom gives the submissive what she wants whether that is through pain, sensation play, role-play, rules she must obey etc. The submissive gets all these delicious treats and the heady buzz from pleasing her Dom or Master. The Dom is happy because his sub has pleased him. The sub is happy because her Dom is happy. It’s a win-win situation. Oh, and they have amazing sex as a result.
Then, just when the sub thinks things can’t get any better, she gets aftercare. She’s usually quite spaced out after a scene, possibly in subspace, but certainly in a different headspace than usual. Sometimes a cuddle can be enough, but if the scene has been intense, then aftercare can last for hours. The Dom makes sure his sub his safe, has a drink if she needs it, rubs cream into her abused skin and reassures her. It’s not uncommon for a submissive to become emotional, even tearful, after a scene and this is where aftercare comes into its own. I have seen some beautiful and tender moments of aftercare and it’s a lovely thing to watch.
I could go on and on about the beauty of D/s, but I’d probably end up writing a whole book on the subject so I’d better leave it here. I do write books, but they’re fiction – romantic stories of love, lust and kink.
If there are any fetishes you would like me to write about in the future, do please let me know. I’d love to hear from you, whether it’s a suggestion for a post or if you would like to share your own thoughts on the topic.